mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
