Barsexuality is the new black.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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