I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
