well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
