Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
