The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
