I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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