Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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