I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
