Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
