Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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