SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
