I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
