A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
