My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
