both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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