he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
