"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
