whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
