Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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