I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
