My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
