bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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