If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
