Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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