Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
