dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I can't put those talents on a resume
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
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