just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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