OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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