dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
