Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I supernannyed him into submission
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
