Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
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