Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
