Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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