please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
