today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
