I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
