Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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