Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
