just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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