you're like a bully in the Christmas story
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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