hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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