Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
God I need to hump something, right now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
