I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The air was thick with penises
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
