So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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