Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
