i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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