I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
