theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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