He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
