Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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