I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
