how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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